THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT

I am an insomniac.  My brain just will not shut down at night without the aid of several different organic and sometimes not so organic assists.  But basically, I don't sleep well.

When I'm not running over moments in my past when I said something stupid, wondering why I didn't say "-----" instead, I'm thinking of things that my brain and well.... nobody's brains can really comprehend.  We can create mathematical equations, scientific theories, philosophical and religious doctrine, all of them meant to make us sleep well at night in the safety of their concepts.  But we really just don't know.

The first one that I mused over for several years was the size of the universe.  I'd think it into a constantly enlarging size, wondering at what point did it end.  Was it inside of an incomprehensibly enormous bubble?  And was that bubble a molecule inside something even larger which was full of universes?  Or were they alive in which case are we just quarks inside of atoms inside of molecules inside of... you get what I mean.  It is enough to make your mind explode.  Of course I always thought that eventually the thought of it all would put me to sleep, but alas no... another ambien please.

Then for a few years I mused over the question of "love".  I have no idea why I thought I could figure it out when nobody else has...even my existentialism instructor in high school said that the only philosopher who ever broached the subject was someone name Unamuno, who isn't particularly well known... but I kept wondering if love had a larger purpose that just reproduction.  Why did we choose who we choose to be with?  And why does that change at times leading us to find someone new?  Of course there are a ton of scientific responses to this, all based on chemistry... the general smell of another person... etc.  That all sounds good to me.  But it never explains why, really.  And clearly if it is based on chemistry, then does the chemistry change over time?  Is that what makes people stop wanting each other?  In which case there is no longevity to smell or chemical interactions, so why do some couples stay together?  Anyway, don't make me muse on this one any longer, my head hurts already.

My recent stay-up-all-night-pondering question is that of beauty.  What makes us decide something is beautiful?  What makes us choose one object over another?  One apple over another?  One pathway to walk over another?  This sort of ties into the last wasted time of musing, that of love.  Since there is an aspect of love which makes us feel that someone is beautiful, even if only just to us. But seriously, why do we have taste?  What purpose does it serve except to give us something to delight in?  Is that happiness part of what makes us survive as a species?  But again, it still doesn't explain what makes us think something is beautiful, and why.  This one is going to be around for a while.  Another hugely unanswerable question, bigger than us, bigger than the capability of our brains to comprehend fully.  So if you find out why some day, could you please let me know?  I could really use some sleep.

xo

Spooky photo that has nothing to do with the story above.  c.2020 SRB